How Not to Succeed in Law School (an excerpt)

For those who need help procrastinating, you really should check out the full essay, written by a graduate of Bolt who went on to teach law. But, for those who have already committed their procrastination budgets to YouTube videos involving talking pets, here are a couple a short snippet of silliness for your consideration.  


Should YOU go to Law School?


Would you like to help the less fortunate?
Would you like to see liberty and justice for all?
Do you want to vindicate the rights of the oppressed?
If so, you should join the peace Corps. the last thing you should do is attend law school.


People basically hate lawyers, and with good reason. That's why you'll rarely escape from a dinner party without hearing at least one lawyer joke. . . . It is true that some lawyers are dishonest, arrogant, greedy, venal, amoral, ruthless buckets of toxic slime. On the other hand, it is unfair to judge the entire profession by a few hundred thousand bad apples. In fact, there are many perfectly legitimate reasons for going to law school. For example, ask yourself the following questions:


Do I want to go to medical school but can't stand the sight of blood? Are my inlaws pestering me to death to do something meaningful (i.e., lucrative) with my life? Have I considered circulating petitions to ban inlaws, but realized that it would only spawn stupid bumper stickers saying "WHEN INLAWS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE INLAWS"? Did I major in English and have absolutely nowhere else to turn?


If these questions ring a bell, you might fell that law school is for you. Lie down for a while until the feeling goes away. If it doesn't go away, prepare yourself for the consequences. For example, your grandparents will immediately
...


[from section entitled, "The First Year"]


Remember those horror movies in which somebody wearing a hockey mask terrorizes people at a summer camp and slowly and carefully slashes them all into bloody little pieces? That's what the first year of law school is like. Except it's worse, because the professors doesn't wear hockey masks, and you have to look directly at their faces.


At first, it's not so bad. You get to read a semi-interesgting medieval case in which somebody says, "forsooth, were it not that Birnam WOod had come to Dunsinane, I would unseam thee from the nave to the chaps." but the honeymoon ends when you have to go to your first class. The professor has a black belt in an ancient martial art called " the Socratic method." After the professor completely dismantles a student for sheer sort and humiliates several dozen others, he then points out forty-seven different things in the two paragraph case that you failed to see and still don't understand. You leave class hoping that maybe there is still a job opening at your brother-in-law's toothpick recycling factory.


--Here's hoping everybody's first day went well and not spawned any significant regret!