Rankings Smankings...or is that Spankings?

Clearly, the power of Free Coffee has only begun to be understood... 

Holiday Party Time

In case you were wondering who was headlining this year's faculty/staff Holiday Party...
And, in case you were wondering what is hidden in the top of Barnum Towner...

Beware of Wooing

As my compatriots prepare for OCI, and the enticements that will follow, a little cautionary tale courtesy of KO:


One day while walking down the street, a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.


"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.


"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."


"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman.


"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.


When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.


After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.


The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.


St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."


The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."


St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back.


"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."


The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."

What's the difference between a lawyer and . . .

. . .a  vulture? 
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. 

. . . God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer. 

. . . a trampoline? 
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! 

. . .a boxing referee? 

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight. 

. . . a sperm cell? 
At least the sperm has a 1 in 600 million chance at becoming a human being. 

. . .a gigolo? 
A gigolo only screws one person at a time. 

. . .a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night. 

. . . a tick?
The tick drops off after you're dead. 

Here's to the overachievers....

at all those OTHER schools, of COURSE! ;-)

Intentional Infliction of Emotional Levity via Self-Effacing Hypotheticals (aka Lawyer Jokes)

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.

A while down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. However, remembering that a priest was in the truck with him, he swerved at the last moment to miss the lawyer.

However, the truck driver heard a loud thump outside of the truck, and he looked in his rear-view mirror.

He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

The priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

Intentional Infliction of Emotional Levity via Self-Effacing Hypotheticals (aka Lawyer Jokes)

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

-Contributed by Random 1L (Name withheld, by request of submitter, to protect the identity of the guilty)